【恋愛駆け引き】ツンデレ?メンヘラ?「あいまい」「思わせぶり」な元カノの気持ちを見極め復縁する5つの方法

復縁メール

「彼女のツンデレが極端すぎて、自分のことをどう思っているのかワケが分からない…」

 

「別れたのに、友達でいたい、会いたい、と連絡してくる元カノの気持ちが理解できない…」

 

「嫉妬深くて、自分の都合でさみしいと泣きついてくる彼女にキレたら、逆ギレされて別れを告げられた…」

 

こんにちわんこ。永峰あやです。

 

今回は、嫉妬深くて、疑り深い。明るくて、社交的なのに、急に攻撃してふさぎ込む。自己否定が強いのに、プライドが高い。さみしいと言って泣きつきリスカした直後に、「別れる」と去ってしまう。

 

このような、感情が不安定で、「あいまい」で「思わせぶり」な彼女、好きな女性、元カノとの恋愛関係をうまくいかせるための方法、

 

・【恋愛駆け引き】ツンデレ?メンヘラ?「あいまいで思わせぶりな元カノの気持ちを見極め復縁する5つの方法」

 

についてお伝えします。

 

もし、あなたがこれを知らなければ…

 

・彼女の感情にふりまわされた挙句、別れを告げられます

 

・元カノの「あいまいな態度」に疲弊し、復縁をあきらめることになります

 

・好きな女性に、どんなにあなたの正しさや考えを伝えても、フラれます

 

もし、あなたがこれを知ることができたら…

 

・感情が不安定な女性に関する、専門的な知識と対処法が得られ、うまく恋愛関係を築くことができます

 

・元カノの「あいまいな態度」にふりまわされず、確実に復縁できます

 

・あなたの、男としての器が1500倍、広がり、あらゆる女性にモテまくります

 

ですからどうぞ、最後まで熟読して、あなたの復縁、恋愛成功に役立ててくださいね。

 

それでは、まずは、私の復縁サポートを受けている、亮さん、34歳、男性の復縁のプロセスと相談を紹介します。

 

※亮さんは、かなり真面目なゴールド男で、私のメルマガ、動画、その他コンテンツを全て書き出して実践し、重要な部分は単語帳にメモして持ち歩いているほど、すげーヤツです。

 

「亮さん、何で、別れる前に、それをしなかったの?」は言いっこなしよ~☆うふふ

 

【復縁相談】元カノのあいまいな態度が、恋愛感情なのか、被害者意識なのか、わかりません(亮さん 34歳 男性)

 

【元カノと亮さんのこれまでの経緯】

僕は現在34歳で、父の写真館を継いで、カメラマンをしています。

 

3年付き合っていた元カノ(27歳)に、3ヶ月前別れを告げられました。

 

別れの原因は、

 

・僕が「搾取型」の恋愛をしてしまった。

 

・僕が愛情表現を全くせずに、元カノにさみしい思いをさせてしまった。

 

・元カノは結婚願望が強かったのに、僕がその気がなかったから

 

 

です。

 

元カノは友人達に「彼氏と別れた気がしない…」と言っていたそうです。

 

元カノが僕に対して、とてもやさしくしてくれたことに別れた後気づき、必要性を感じています。

 

元カノに甘えて、相手が自分に求めていたこと、「感謝の気持ち」「将来について」などのコミュニケーションを、怠っていたことに改めて気づき、反省しています。

 

元カノは別れ際「別れても友達でいようね」とさっぱりと言ってくれましたが、僕は「自分から連絡してしまいそうだから」という理由を伝え、フェイスブック等のSNSやLINEは全てブロックしました。

 

自分からブロックしましたが、共通の友人も多いので、僕の投稿は元カノに見えていたかもしれません。

 

別れてから冷却期間を1カ月置いた後、元カノに「あけましておめでとう」メールを打ったら、返信がありました。

 

そこからは、永峰さんの「11の黄金メール術」のやり方にそって、インタラクティブにメールするようにしていきました。

 

それから、現在は、週に1、2回程度メールをしています。元カノから返信がこなかったり、そっけない態度のメールはありません。

 

最近は、画像付きでメールがきたりするようになりました。

 

地元が一緒なので、ばったり会った時は、普通に話しはしたりします。

 

でも、僕が付き合う前と変わりすぎて違和感があるみたいです。

 

なのでメールは、あまり丁寧になりすぎない程度でフランク感をだすようにしてます。

 

そして、2週間前、元カノに初めて2人会い、現在に至ります。

 

ここからは、僕なりの元カノに対する分析や理解、永峰さんに相談したいことです。

 

【元カノの家族、生育歴、恋愛経験、性格など】

【年齢】:27歳

 

【結婚願望】:有り(とても強い)

 

【性格】:まじめ、ガンコ、ネガティブ、かなり嫉妬深くやきもち焼き。寂しがり屋で、認めてもらいたい願望が強い。社交性は豊か。

 

【家族関係】:両親の仲は普通。4人兄弟の長女。

 

母親の祖母の代から、小さいが旅館を経営しており、母親が女将を継いでいる。父親はサラリーマン。

 

祖母も母親も、元カノが子どもの時から「長女なんだから旅館を継ぐように」と、華道や塾など習い事をさせ、厳格に育てられた。

 

世間体や常識をとても気にする家で、元カノが母親の意に添わないことをすると、ひどく怒るため、大学までは母親の言いなりだった。

 

僕とつきあっているときも、母親に対する愚痴をよく話していた。

 

父親は、やさしいが、妻や子どもに対して、無関心な傾向が強い。

 

2人いる弟のうち、ひとりは学校の先生、ひとりは大学生、妹は高校生。

 

【恋愛経験値】:彼氏がいると一途。いないときは、ワンナイトラブに走りがち。正式に彼氏だった人は自分を含めて3人。

 

【元カノに対する分析と理解】

元カノは子供の頃から厳しい家庭で育ったため、とても常識人。反社会的な行動をする人は嫌い。

 

大学を卒業すると、子供の頃から母親の言いなり、従順にしていた反動で、親の意見に反抗して、旅館を継がず、アパレル系の仕事をしている。

 

しかし、強気な態度で行動に移したものの、自信のなさが出てきてしまうことがしばしばあり、何でもかんでも男女問わず、いろいろな人に相談している。相談するプロセスで、自分の意見を固めていくところがある。

 

でも、「なんとかなるでしょ!」的な天真爛漫な部分もある。

 

僕と付き合っていたことは、心配症なあまり、フェイスブック等で僕の友達をチェックしていた。

 

僕がカメラマンで、女性と接することが割と多いため、常に浮気をあやしまれていた。

 

彼女は、恋愛曲線としては、かなりゆっくりな人と思います。

 

付き合う時も告白してから20日ほど返事を待ちました。

 

多分、衝動的な感じではなく、じっくり考えて決めるタイプと思います。

 

【元カノとの復縁で永峰さんに相談したいこと、現在の悩み】

・僕が元カノに好意があることが何となく伝わっている気がしていて、それが良いことなのかわかりません。

 

・元カノからメールがあるときに、付き合っていた頃の話を相手からしてきます。

 

・元カノは「2人が別れたことを、周囲の友達に伝えたかどうか」についてよく聞いてきます。

 

・元カノと会ったときに、「新しい彼女はできた?」「好きな人はいるの?」と聞かれました。

 

・元カノは、「友達に男性を紹介してもらって、4人の男性と会った」と言われました。しかも、その男性達の写真を見せて「どの人がいいと思う?どうかな?」と相談?されました(笑)

 

・元カノと会って別れた後に、元カノから電話がありました。たわいもない内容でしたが。

 

・僕の見解なんですが、まだ少し被害者意識があり、「紹介された男性達と会った」「会った男性の写真を見せる」などの行為で、女性特有の「理解してもらいたい」「いろいろな態度をとって自分の気持ちを確かめたい」という表れなのかと思っています。

 

・元カノの恋愛感情が高まっているのか、手ごたえがいまいち感じとれません。相手の嫉妬心をうまく操って何かできないか考え中です。現在も、僕のSNSをチェックしているみたいです。

 

小手先の恋愛駆け引きが通用しない…ツンデレ、思わせぶり、メンヘラなど「不安定な愛着スタイル」の女性

いや、愛情表現をまったくしなかった亮さんが、ここまで元カノについて想像力を働かせることができるようになったのは、すごいですね。

 

亮さんの「マジ度」を感じるぜお。なんで、絶対、良い方向に舵を切っていきましょうや!

 

さてさて。

 

いきなりドキューン、なんですが、恋愛の駆け引きと言っても、亮さんの元カノのような、いわゆる「ツンデレ」「思わせぶり」なタイプには、「押しどき」「引きどき」のような、小手先の駆け引きではどうにもなりません。

 

あなたも、亮さんの相談文から推測できたかもしれませんが、元カノは、とても「心が不安定な人」です。

 

最近流行りの言葉でいえば、ポジティブな表現だと「ツンデレ」、ネガティブな表現だと「メンヘラ」っ気がある女性といえます。

 

実は、このような「ツンデレ」「メンヘラ」「思わせぶり」「あいまい」なタイプの女性は、

 

・親との関係をこじらせている。すなわち、「幼少期の母親との関わり」=「愛着スタイル」が不安定

 

だったケースが圧倒的に多いです。

 

彼女のかわいい「ツンデレ」も、さみしがりやすぎる「メンヘラ」気質も、魅力的な元カノの「思わせぶり」な態度も、あなたを引き付けてやまないあの子の「あいまい」さも、、、実は「不安定な愛着スタイル」が原因なんです!!!

 

「ツンデレ」「メンヘラ」「思わせぶり」「あいまい」=「不安定な愛着スタイル」なんじゃー!

 

このような、「不安定な愛着スタイル」の女性との恋愛や復縁においては、その独特な思考、感情、行動パターンの特徴について知らなければ、何をやっても徒労に終わるだけです。

 

現在、草食系男子、メンヘラ、こじらせといった男女が急増していますが、これらの方々の大半が「不安定な愛着スタイル」ゆえに、恋愛や結婚がうまくいかないという非常事態が発生しています。

 

そして、あなた自身の「恋愛がうまくいかない」「彼女に別れを告げられてしまう」「彼女ができない」といった問題の原因も、あなたが母親によってどのように育てられたのか、母親とどのような愛着スタイルだったかが、多分に影響しています。

 

※こういうと「僕も元カノも普通の家庭で育ちました」「私も彼女も、虐待もネグレクトもされていません」と否定する方が大半です。

 

ですが、私の相談の経験上、「普通の」家庭、「フツウ」の親、「ふつう」の育ちという人こそ、母親との愛着スタイルが不安定です。

 

そこのあんた、要注意じゃ!

 

現代日本では、普通の家庭で育ったにもかかわらず、「不安定な愛着スタイル」の人が3分の1以上いることがわかってきました。

 

カップルがいたら、どちらか一方が「不安定な愛着スタイル」という、高い割合で存在するのです。

 

あなたと好きな女性との復縁や恋愛をうまくいかせたいのであれば、この「愛着スタイル」という視点は 外せません。

 

精神医学、心理学の内容になり、小難しいかもしれませんが、無駄な駆け引きでエネルギーを使わないためにも、しっかり読みすすめてください。

 

さあ、しっかり私の腰につかまってーーーーー!!!ハイドーハイドー!!!!!

 

あなたの「復縁」「恋愛」がうまくいかないのは、「母親との関係」「愛着スタイル」が原因

これまで、別の記事でも何度も紹介してきましたが、

 

・相手の顔色を気にしてしまう性格だ

 

・自分と相手の価値観が違うと、拒絶されているようで怒りを感じる

 

・相手に、いつも褒められたり、承認されることを求めてしまう

 

・「あなたなんて必要ない」と言われないか、いつも不安に思う

 

・相手と対立するのが苦手で、避けるような行動をとってしまう

 

など、私達の対人関係のパータンを知らず知らずに支配しているのが「母親との関係」「母親との愛着」です。

 

★☆★「愛着スタイル」に関する詳しい別記事はこちら★☆★

 

↓↓↓↓↓↓

【恋愛・復縁】ミソジニー・マザコン男禁止!「フラれる男の6つの特徴」と「恋愛・復縁成功の激ヤバ自分磨き」

【性格別復縁】「依存性パーソナリティ」傾向の元カノの心を引き寄せ、復縁する方法

 

亮さんやあなた、そして大好きな彼女の、対人関係能力、すなわち、人と良好な、深い絆を結ぶため能力は、母親(養育者)との「安定した愛着」を土台として、作られるのです。

 

そして、この「愛着スタイル」は、対人関係だけでなく、あなたや彼女の思考(認知)や感情、行動にまで大きく影響していることがわかってきました。

 

あなたや彼女の人格、パーソナリティーを作るベースとなり、対人関係においても、特に親密な関係性、すなわち恋愛関係や夫婦関係にそのままその傾向が出るのです。

 

ですから、亮さんやあなたが、これまで好きな女性にとってきた振る舞いは、「愛着スタイル」を土台に作られた傾向ですし、相手の女性の振る舞いも「愛着スタイル」を土台としています。

 

あなたや彼女が、

 

「おっぱいがほしい」「抱っこしてほしい」

 

「学校でいじめられてつらいから慰めてほしい」「勉強よりもサッカーがやりたい」

 

「自分の決めた進路を応援してほしい」

 

など、求めたことに対して、母親が、「おっぱいをあげる」「やさしくなぐさめてくれる」「あなたの進路を応援してくれる」など適切に応えてくれた場合は、「安定した愛着スタイル」が形成されます。

 

しかし、「抱っこしてくれない」「いじめられる、弱いあんたが悪い。」「お母さんの言う通り勉強しないあなたはダメな子」「大学なんて受かるはずがない」など、欲求に応えてくれなかった場合は・・・

 

不安定な愛着スタイルが形成されてしまうのです。

 

もし、その人の、「母親との関係」「愛着スタイル」が不安定なものだったら、どのような対人関係能力やパーソナリティーになると思いますか?

 

先述の事例のように、「相手の顔色を気にする」「拒絶されてる感じがする」「相手を避けてしまう」といった、不安定な対人関係の結び方やパーソナリティーになってしまうのです。

 

 相談文を読んで気づいた方もいるかもしれませんが、とても厳格に、母親の制限のもと育てられた亮さんの元カノも、「不安定な愛着スタイル」の人と言えます。

 

そして、亮さんだけでなく、あなたも含めて、恋愛関係がうまく築けない場合、どちらか一方が、あるいは両方が「不安定な愛着スタイル」のケースが大半です。

 

くりかえし、しつこいぐらい、ねちねち言いますが、復縁する、好きな女性と付き合うためには、その相手の「愛着スタイル」についてしっかり知ることが大事です。

 

大人の3つの愛着スタイル

母親や子どもにとって重要な他者との間で「愛着パターン」が積み重ねられていくうちに、その人固有の愛着パターンが明確になっていきます。

 

そして、成人することまでに、「愛着スタイル」として確立されます。

 

大人の愛着スタイルには、

1 「安定型愛着スタイル」:対人関係の築き方が安定している。必要なときに助けを求めたり、相手を信頼することができる。率直でポジティブな姿勢と持っている

 

2 「回避型愛着スタイル」:距離を置いた対人関係を築く。親しい関係や、感情を共有することを好まず、親密さを回避しようとして、心理的にも物理的にも、距離を置こうとする。

 

3 「不安型愛着スタイル」:「人に嫌われていないか」をいつも気にしている。「愛されたい」「承認されたい」という気持ちがとても強い。「見捨てられる」ということに関して敏感。

 

の3つにわけられます。

 

亮さんの元カノは、3の「不安型愛着スタイル」の人です。

 

今回は、亮さんの元カノの相談事例と照らしあわせながら、「不安型愛着スタイル」女性の傾向や、うまく恋愛関係を築く方法にフォーカスしていきます。

 

【不安型愛着スタイルの特徴1】「人にどう思われているか」「人に受け入れてもらえているか」ばかり気にする

不安型愛着スタイルの人は、「人に好かれているか」「人に嫌われてはいないか」「人に受け入れられているか」を極度に気にします。

 

相手の表情や態度に敏感で、いつも気を張っていますが、相手が怒っていないのに、「怒っているかもしれない…」と不安になったり、相手がいつもと変わらないのに、「私のことが嫌いなんだ…」誤解してとってしまうことが多々あります。

 

「相手に良く思われたい」という自分のがんばりに対して、相手も同じぐらい努力や関心を向けてくれることを期待します。

 

しかし、周囲の人は、本人の思い入れとはウラハラに、大して気にしちゃいない・・・

 

その落差に、本人は、ショックを受けたり、混乱し、悪循環なコミュニケーションになってしまうことがしばしばあります。

 

亮さんの元カノの、

 

・「2人が別れたことを、周囲の友達に伝えたかどうか」についてよく聞いてくる

 

という行動も、不安型愛着スタイルの「人にどう思われているかばかり気にする」という特徴に当てはまります。

 

また、

 

・元カノと会ったときに、「新しい彼女はできた?」「好きな人はいるの?」と聞かれた

 

という行動も、「亮さんに自分がどう思われているのか。まだ自分に対して恋愛感情を持っているのか?それとも、別の女性に興味が移ってしまったのか?」

 

を確認しているといえるでしょう。

 

【不安型愛着スタイルの特徴2】自己肯定感が低く、自己否定の気持ちを抱えやすい

不安型愛着スタイルの重要な要因は、親から否定的な扱いや評価をされて育つことにあります。

 

子どもに何の問題もなくても、むしろ優れた能力や才能を持っていても、親はその子どもを否定的に育てるということがあります。

 

否定的な扱いを受けて育った人は、どんなに優れた長所を持っていても、「自分に自信がない」「自分はダメだ」という自己否定の気持ちを抱えやすくなるのです。

 

 

亮さんの元カノは、

 

・強気な態度で行動に移したものの、自信のなさが出てきてしまうことがしばしばあり、何でもかんでも男女問わず、いろいろな人に相談している。

 

という傾向がありました。

 

おそらく、母親の元カノへの「厳格すぎる養育」が影響したのでしょう。

 

世間体や常識を気にする老舗の旅館の女将であった母親は、娘にも跡を継がせたいと厳しく育てる一方で、思い通りにならないと、突き放す態度をとるといった両価的な傾向があったかもしれません。

 

それは、元カノは、過度に自信がなく、何でも人に相談するネガティブさと、天真爛漫で社交的な明るさの二面性を持ってることから推測できます。

 

 

【不安型愛着スタイルの特徴3】すぐに恋愛モードになりやすい

不安型愛着スタイルの人は、「相手から愛されたい」「相手から承認されたい」という願望だけでなく、ときに相手を理想化したり、相手と合体したいという無意識の願望がある場合があります。

 

私達の社会には、恋愛、性愛、親しい友人、家族等、「感情で結びついた関係」と、職場などの作業や課題をこなすための「合目的な関係」があります。

 

安定型愛着スタイルの人は、この2つの対人関係をうまく使いわけることができますが、不安型愛着スタイルの人は、仕事上の関係を、感情で結びついた愛着関係と勘違いしてしまうことが多いです。

 

亮さんの元カノの

・彼氏がいると一途。いないときは、ワンナイトラブに走りがち。

 

・元カノは、「友達に男性を紹介してもらって、4人の男性と会った」と言われました。しかも、その男性達の写真を見せて「どの人がいいと思う?どうかな?」と相談?されました(笑)

 

というのも、2つの対人関係を使いわけることができず、「愛着関係」に偏ってしまうことの表れといえるでしょう。

 

 【不安型愛着スタイルの特徴2】べったりと、依存した恋愛関係を好む

不安型愛着スタイルの人は、相手との距離が保たれていると、とても気さくで、サービス精神が旺盛で、思いやりを持って接してくれます。

 

しかし、恋愛関係、恋人同士といった、親密な関係になると、急激に依存してきたり、独占欲や嫉妬心が強くなる傾向があります。

 

亮さんや、亮さんと同じ傾向の女性を好きなあなたにとって、ここの項目が一番重要かもしれませんね。

 

亮さんと元カノが付き合っていた頃の、

 

・僕と付き合っていたことは、心配症なあまり、フェイスブック等で僕の友達をチェックしていた。

 

・僕がカメラマンで、女性と接することが割と多いため、常に浮気をあやしまれていた。

 

という行為が典型的です。

 

亮さんを疑う気持ちや、嫉妬心が強く、相手の行動を制限したり、監視したりします。

 

亮さんと親密になればなるほど、元カノ自身との境界が曖昧になり、相手を自分の体の一部分のように錯覚してしまうときもあります。

 

また、「自分は亮さんに愛されているかな?」「亮さんに見捨てられたら不安」という気持ちも強いため、「私のこと本当に愛してる?」と相手の愛情を過剰に確認するような行動をとりやすいです。

 

もしも、亮さんが「仕事でどうしても残業をしなければならない」というような、やむおえない事情であっても、かまってもらえなければ、元カノは「ひどい」「裏切られた」と強い怒りを感じて・・・別れたい!となるのです。

 

ツンデレ?メンヘラ?「あいまい」「思わせぶり」な元カノの気持ちを見極め復縁する5つの方法

以上、「不安型愛着スタイル」という見地から、亮さんの元カノの心理を分析してきました。

 

それでは、今後、亮さんやあなたが元カノと復縁するためには、どのようなアクションを起こしていけばいいのでしょうか。

 

亮さんと元カノの現状をざっくりまとめると

 

【現状1】元カノと亮さんは、LINEのやりとりもし、2人きりでも会い、良好な関係である

 

【現状2】元カノは、「亮さんのフェイスブックを見ている」「デートの後、自ら電話をかけてくる」「好きな人できた?と聞いてくる」等、亮さんに関心を示している

 

【現状3】元カノは、「友達に紹介されて会った男性のことを話す、写真を見せる」等、「亮さんの関心を自分に引きつけようとする行動」をしてくる

 

【現状4】しかし、この元カノの「亮さんへの関心」や「自分に関心を引きつけようとする行為」が、「恋愛感情」からなのか、「ネガティブな被害者感情」なのかがわからない

 

復縁の鍵を握る見極めポイントは、亮さんと別れて以降の、元カノの一連の行為が、

 

【復縁の見極めポイント1】亮さんへの恋愛感情が再燃したからなのか?

 

【復縁の見極めポイント2】ネガティブンな被害者意識から亮さんの心を試しているのか?

 

この2つのポイントになります。

 

 

結論から言うと、

 

【見極め結果】不安型愛着スタイルの元カノの場合、別れて3ヶ月、連絡をとりはじめて1ヶ月半では、判別がつかない。もうすこしこのままの関係を継続する

 

ということです。

 

なぜこのような見極め結果になるのか?

 

それは、、、、、、、、「犯人はお前だ!!!!!」

 

コホン。失礼。いつもの永峰のチャチャ入れが今回少ないんで(汗)

 

説明しよう!

 

安定した愛着スタイルの女性であっても、別れた直後は「被害者意識」を持ちます。

 

そして、亮さんの元カノのような、不安定型愛着スタイルの人は、安定型の女性よりも、ネガティブな感情にとらわれやすく、ささいなことをいつまでも引きづり、怒りや被害者意識を長引かせやすいです。

 

「見捨てられることへの不安や恐怖」「承認されたいという欲求」が強いだけに、亮さんの「愛情表現しなかった」「結婚願望を無視した」ことへの怒りはおさまりにくいです。

 

※ただし、亮さんの場合、ヤバい恋愛心理学を学び、元カノの気持ちに配慮できるゴールド男に変化しています。

 

その変化を元カノも「変わりすぎて違和感」を感じるものの、好意的に受け入れているので、今後、より緩和されて、信頼してくれるようになると思います。

 

やるな!亮!すごいぜ!亮!

 

一方で、不安型愛着スタイルの人の特徴として、怒りの矛先が自分自身にも向けられやすいということです。

 

亮さんやあなたは、この手の女性のことが、複雑すぎてわかりづらいかもしれませんが、

 

・不安型愛着スタイルの人は、「相手を求める気持ち」と「拒絶する気持ち」の両方が併存している、「両価的な矛盾」を抱えている

 

ということを、がっつり、バチコン、おさえてください。

 

元カノの、

 

・元カノからメールがあるときに、付き合っていた頃の話を相手からしてくる

 

・「2人が別れたことを、周囲の友達に伝えたかどうか」についてよく聞いてくる

 

・元カノと会ったときに、「新しい彼女はできた?」「好きな人はいるの?」と聞かれた

 

・元カノは、「友達に男性を紹介してもらって、4人の男性と会った」と言われ、相談してくる

 

・元カノと会って別れた後に、元カノから電話があった

 

というこれらの行為に対して、亮さんは、

 

・僕の見解なんですが、まだ少し被害者意識があり、「紹介された男性達と会った」「会った男性の写真を見せる」などの行為で、女性特有の「理解してもらいたい」「いろいろな態度をとって自分の気持ちを確かめたい」という表れなのかと思っています。

 

・元カノの恋愛感情が高まっているのか、手ごたえがいまいち感じとれません。
相手の嫉妬心をうまく操って何かできないか考え中です。

 

と考えていますが、これは間違いです。

 

間違いとまでは言うと語弊があるかもしれませんが、正確に言うと

 

 

・元カノには、「亮さんを求める気持ち」と「亮さんを拒絶する気持ち」の両方が併存している

 

のです。

 

元カノは、亮さんが考えたとおり、被害者意識も持っていますが、それと同時に「亮さんを求める恋愛感情」も抱いています。

 

それでは、このような両方の気持ちが併存している元カノと復縁するために具体的にどうような行動をとればいいのか?

 

亮さんの、

 

・相手の嫉妬心をうまく操って何かできないか考え中です。

 

と作戦は、一時的には、元カノの心に焦りを生じさせ、亮さんに引きつけることができるかもしれません。

 

しかし、繰り返しになりますが、このように、言葉巧みに働きかけ、操ろうとしても、絶対に復縁はできません。

 

実は、亮さんが考え出したこの手の戦略に、元カノはとても敏感に反応します。

 

なぜなら、元カノはこれと同じことを、母親にされ続けてきたからです。

 

母親の思い通りになれば褒められる、そうならなければ罵倒され、突き放される。

 

亮さんの元カノの根底には、母親との愛着に由来にする、自信のなさ、アイディティの危機があります。

 

元カノが本当に求めているものは、「見捨てられ不安」「承認されたい、愛されてたいという心の枯渇」「相手との境界がわからなくなってしまう嫉妬心」「自信のなさ」といった不安をやわらげ、リラックスしてくつろげる「ホームベース」のような場所です。

 

復縁するためには、

 

・亮さんが元カノの「ホームベース」なる、これがベストな方法です。

 

「ホームベース」とは、つらいことがあっても明日からがんばろう!という出撃基地になるような、いざというときに助けて、あたたかく守ってくれる「ふるさと」のような関係です。

 

元カノの安心の拠り所、心の支えとなる存在であることが、必要です。

 

亮さんやあなたは、元カノの心の拠り所の「ホームベース」となるために、具体的には、以下の5つの方法を実践してください。

 

【復縁方法1】元カノの「ホームベース」になることを決意する

 

【復縁方法2】元カノの「相手を求める気持ち」と「拒絶する気持ち」の両方が併存している、「両価的な矛盾」という特性を受け入れる

 

【復縁方法3】元カノの「両価的な矛盾」に一喜一憂せず、2人の絆を深めることにフォーカスする(将来の不安より、今、ここを大切にする)

 

【復縁方法4】仕事や人間関係など、元カノの自己肯定感の低さを、やさしい言葉がけや思いやりの行動で励まし、支える

 

【復縁方法5】亮さんが、自分にとって良いパートナーがいたら、結婚する意志があることを明確に伝える

 

※亮さんの元カノへの好意が伝わっていることはOKです。それについて、何か聞かれても、堂々とした態度をとってください。

 

以上、

 

・【恋愛駆け引き】ツンデレ?メンヘラ?「あいまい」「思わせぶり」な元カノの気持ちを見極め復縁する5つの方法

 

をお伝えしました。

 

小手先の恋愛テクニック、復縁方法からは、いい加減おさらばしろ!

 

「ジェンダー・ステレオタイプ」による「女性心理」「女の9つの快楽欲求」、「愛着スタイル」を土台とした「パーソナリティの傾向」「恋愛コミュニケーションのパターン」などなど。

 

マジで女を虜にするヤバい恋愛心理学こそ、お前さんをゴールド男にする最強の武器なんだ!

 

わかったか!

 

よっしゃーーーーー!これからも、オレについてこい!ひひーん!

 

永峰あや

 

復縁メール
  nagamine-blog-soudan-footer   恋愛心理

2,195 件のコメント

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