「復縁 占い」「復縁したい」「元カノ 復縁」なんて検索してる場合じゃない!※絶対読め※ 復縁で一番大事なこと

復縁メール

「元カノと復縁する可能性があれば、がんばろうと思うけど・・・」

 

「元カノの気持ちがわからないから、占いにすがるしかない・・・」

 

「早く元カノと復縁したいから、最短距離の方法を知りたい!」

 

ちーす!永峰あやです。

 

このように、とにかく、何でもいいから元カノと復縁したい!と躍起になっている男性へ。

 

今回は、

 

・「復縁 占い」「復縁したい」「元カノ 復縁」なんて検索してる場合じゃない!復縁で一番大事なこと

 

についてお伝えしたいと思います。

 

もし、あなたがこれを知らなければ・・・

 

問答無用!絶対に彼女ができないし、元カノと復縁もできません。

 

知らぬが地獄、知ったら天国!どえれ~違いなんで、絶対に、最後まで読みすすめてプリーズ☆

復縁したいけど・・・アダルトチルドレンで言葉にならない

このテーマと関連して、
私に復縁相談した後に、
感想をくださった寺島さんのメッセージを紹介します。

 

寺島さんは、24歳、
大好きだった彼女に
別れを告げられて、私に復縁相談をされました。

 

入社したばかりで
仕事が忙しく、彼女のことをかまってあげられなかった。

 

さみしがり屋で、
少しメンヘラ気味の彼女の愛情表現に応えてあげられなかった。

 

とても後悔していらっしゃいました。

 

寺島さんは、「復縁相談」ということが第一の目的でしたが、

 

私が寺島さんとお話していて一番気になったことは、

 

何を質問しても、
「自分が感じていることを言葉にできない」傾向でした。

 

「彼女はどのような
家庭環境に育って、両親に対してどのような思いを抱いていましたか?」

「・・・・・・・・・・・」

 

「寺島さんの、
具体的にどんな言葉やふるまいが、
彼女を傷つけたんですか?」

「・・・・・・・・・・・・」

 

「彼女は、具体的に
どのようないやがらせを受けて
元カレと別れたんですか?」

「・・・・・・・・・・・・」

 

相手の女性のことを、
具体的に何も知らない。

 

相手がどんなことで
傷ついていたのかいまいちわからない。

 

彼女がどのような、
環境や時間軸の中で生きてきたのかわからない。

 

彼女のことは好き
とは言っているものの、

 

寺島さんは相手を見ていない、
「自分だけの閉じた世界で生きている」方でした。

 

その、閉じてしまっている原因は、

寺島さんのご両親が不仲で、
いつも張り詰めた家庭の中で育ち、
ご自身の存在を消して生きてきたことにあったのですが。

 

いわゆる機能不全家族、
アダルトチルドレンとして育った経緯がありました。

 

と、前置きが長くなりましたが、
このように24年間、閉じた世界で、
息をひそめて生きてきたにもかかわらず、

 

「内側から沸き起こるエネルギー」で、
相手と、社会と、世界と
関わることを決意された、寺島さんのメッセージを紹介します。

 

そして、なぜ、
損得勘定ではなく、
内側から沸き起こるエネルギーで
他者と関わることが大切かについて解説しますね。

 

私、永峰自身が、まじ、突き動かされて、男泣きしちまった内容です。

 

そいじゃ、どうぞ!

 

復縁相談 元カノとの別れを「第二の人生のスタート」にします

寺島です。

 

永峰さんのお言葉を見て、身体と心が熱くなりました。

今までの私は、
「人」や「物事」に対して「無関心」でした。

 

人との深い関わりを
無意識に避け、
自分の世界から出ようとせず、

 

常に心の中心は「自分」で、
非常に狭い世界に24年間生きてきました。

 

「相手の気持ちを想像する」
「感じたことを言葉にする」

 

それが、出来なかったのではなく、
その能力が私には全く無かったことに気付きました。

 

常に「頭」だけを使い、
「心」で感じ、「足」で行動する、

 

様々な感情の経験と、
人生経験があまりにも不足していたように思います。

 

それらに気付いた時、
彼女との別れは必然であったと感じます。

 

こんなにも、本気で真剣に、
「自分という人間を変えよう」
「変えたい」と強く思ったのは24年間生きてきて、初めてです。

 

永峰さんが、私の中の何かを変えて下さいました。

 

心から感謝しております。
本当にありがとうございます。

 

私を、第二の人生を歩む
スタートラインに立たせてくださった、永峰さんに、

 

自己成長、復縁に関して、
いつか良いご報告をさせて頂けたらな。と思っています!

 

お忙しいところ、
どこの誰かもわからない私に、
とても親身に、真剣にアドバイスを下さり、ありがとうございました。

 

「成人の感情的回復機能」と「子供の一次的社会機能」だけは、家族が手放してはならない

いやあ、寺島さんの
再誕生のメールを読むたびに、
私の内側にあるものが強く突き動かされます。

 

それぐらい、
他者と真剣に関わろう、
この社会に目を向けようというエネルギーを感じますよね。

 

それでは、なぜ、
「損得勘定」ではなく、

 

「他者への深い関心(コミットメント)」、
「内発的な動機」を持って、関係性を築いていく必要があるのでしょうか。

 

それには、強い関心で
結ばれた絆の中でしか、
回復しえない、育むことができないものがあるからです。

 

タルコット・パーソンズという社会学者は、

 

①成人の感情的回復機能  と

②子供の一次的社会化機能

だけは、家族が手放してはいけないと説きました。

 

成人の感情的回復機能とは、例えば、

 

・職場の上司に嫌がらせを受けてつらい…
そういった苦しみを共感的に受け止め、支えてくれる存在がいる

 

・愛する親が亡くなり、
自分も死にたいぐらいだ…
悲しみ、喪失感を癒してくれる存在がいる

 

そういった存在や、関係性のことです。

 

子供の一次的社会機能とは、

・子供が(ネグレクトや虐待をされず)安心してすごせる場所がある

・学校でいじめられても、すぐに対応できる人がいる

 

そのような、強い関心で
子供を支える関係性のことです。

 

この、

①成人の感情的回復機能  と

②子供の一次的社会機能

だけは、損得勘定ではなく、
強い「関心」によって支えられなければ供給できない、

 

市場サービスや国、自治体では代替できないと説いたのです。

 

ちょっと考えてみればわかることですよね。

 

市場サービスや行政サービスはお金がなくなれば終了です。

日本社会はそうなりつつあります。

 

そして、寺島さんの家族もそうだったように…

厳しい現実ですが、日本の家族も崩壊しています。

 

では、核家族と同等以上の、
「強い関心」、「損得勘定」ではなく、

 

「内側から沸き起こる
強い力」によって支えられているような関係性、

機能的なユニットはどこにあるのか。

 

残念ながら現在の日本には、
家族以外にそのような
「強い関心」によって支えられている関係性はなく、

 

その核家族でさえ機能不全になっているのが現状なのです。

 

恋愛、性愛において相手に対して「深くコミットして絆をつくる」ことこそ絶望の社会をサバイブする唯一の方法

現在の日本社会は、
激動の時代を迎えています。

 

インターネットによるグローバル化、
社会経済状況の変化。。。

 

仕事をして収入を得るためにも、
恋愛して深い絆を築くためにも、

 

就「活」、婚「活」と
言われているように、

 

「自ら積極的に行動」しないと
手に入らない時代に突入しています。

 

誰でも自然に正社員になれた、
待っていれば自動的に恋愛、結婚できた、そんな時代は終わりました。

 

そんな先の見えない、
不安な激動な時代だからこそ、

 

今、ここを生き抜くためには「絆」をつくる力が不可欠なのです。

 

「絆」とは、パーソンズのいう、
成人の感情的回復機能と
子供の一次的社会機能を供給できるような、

「強い関心」によって支えられた関係性です。

 

あなたが、どんなにつらい仕事
でも元気よく出勤できる勇気を与えてくれるような、

 

人間関係で深く傷ついても、
やさしく受け止めてくれるような、

 

「ふるさと」のような関係性です。

 

この「絆」によって
結ばれた関係性を持つものだけが、

 

どんなに理不尽な状況でも、
力強く戦い、健康状態が悪く
なっても回復してなんとか生き抜いていこう!

という強い原動力を保持してくれるのです。

 

他者に対して「理由なき利他性」で行動できない者は、恋愛による「絆」は作れない

そこで、大事になってくるのが、
絆を作るために必須の、

 

相手への「深い関心」、
「損得勘定」ではなく、「内側から沸き起こる力」です。

 

昨日までの寺島さんだけでなく、

私に恋愛相談してくる方々にも、

 

この「損得勘定」抜きの、
わかりやく言い換えるなら、

 

見返りを求めることなく
相手に与える用意はないのに、
絆の恩恵に預かろうとする、、、相手の女性の愛情を搾取する輩が多すぎます。

 

自分の心の穴を埋めるために、
相手の心を操り、一方的に搾取するクソ男はいらねーんだ!

 

まあ、私が声高に叫ばなくても、恋愛市場から淘汰されていきます。

 

ですから、どうぞ、
この先の見えない、
暗闇の2016年を生き抜くためにも、

 

今回、寺島さんが手に入れたような、

 

「理由なき利他性」、
「内側から沸き起こるエネルギー」をあなたも奮い立たせてくださいね。

 

今宵、私と寺島さんという
顔も見えない、電話でつながった絆に感謝と愛を込めて

 

さんきゅ!べいびー☆

 

永峰あや

  nagamine-blog-soudan-footer   恋愛心理

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